i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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