I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
