it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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