guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
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