So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
