If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
