You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
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