yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
