My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
