What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
You need a sexual gate keeper
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
