i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
