I accidentally had phone sex last night
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
We talked him into tasing himself.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
This is the high leading the old right now
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Randomize
