Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
They should really pass out barf bags in church
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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