Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
