the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
whose parrot is this?
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Randomize
