It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Randomize
