we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
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