every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
