A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
Doing final review now. Then epic shit. Then going to take it. Should start it be 1030. Done by 2. Drunk by 3. Hammered by 4. Blacked out by 5. Streaking by 6. Jail sometime after that
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
tequila makes me forget i have legs
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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