you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
I will pee on everything he values.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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