Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Randomize
