My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Randomize
