I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
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