i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
