just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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