haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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