I accidentally burped into my bong.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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