i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
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