I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
