I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
She told me I should be a condom model.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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