I'm so fucking centered right now
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Randomize
