I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Randomize