So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
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