I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Randomize
