omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Randomize
