I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
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