i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
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