The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
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