Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
