Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I touched a dick in church today
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
