There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize