Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Randomize
