She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Randomize
