so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
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