i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
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