I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
I want her autograph on my taint
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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