You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
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