I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize