Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
And then he peed in my hair
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