Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
