she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Randomize
