I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
she pinky promised me she was 18
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Randomize