a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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