Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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