3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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