He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
Randomize
