Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
