I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
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