At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
